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Christmas Jokes and One-liners

A selection of hilarious Christmas jokes and humors to make your holiday season more enjoyable. There are humorous Christmas jokes and puns about Santa, His reindeer, Elves, and the snowman. The greatest part is that we’ve incorporated unique jokes for Christmas parties and eve, supper, and general sharing among friends. So, enjoy some holiday levity, and let us all shout Ho! Ho! Ho!

Welcome to the page of Christmas jokes and one-liners. Here is a large selection of Christmas jokes and puns for you to enjoy, utilize, and share.

General Christmas Jokes  |   Christmas Eve Jokes  |  Christmas Dinner Jokes  | Reindeer and Elf Jokes  |   Christmas Party Jokes  | Greetings Jokes  |  Snowmen, Snowball, Snow Jokes

 

 Funny Christmas Jokes and Humor

Why didn’t Roy Hodgson go to visit Santa at The North Pole?
He couldn’t get past Iceland.


What’s David Cameron’s favorite Christmas song?
All I Want For Christmas is EU


How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas?
He was hooked on trees his whole life


What does the Grinch do with a baseball bat?
Hits a gnome and runs


What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus


Why did Frosty ask for a divorce?
His wife was a total flake


How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing. It was on the house!


What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can’t hear you!


What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite


What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas?
It’s finally Christmas, Eve!


Why don’t crabs celebrate Christmas?
Because they’re shell-fish.


What’s every parent’s favorite Christmas Carol?
Silent Night


What do you call Santa when he takes a break?
Santa Pause


What do you call a cat on the beach on Christmas Day?
Sandyclaws


Why do Christmas trees like the past so much?
Because the present’s beneath them


Where does mistletoe go to get famous?
Holly-wood!


Why does Santa always enter through the chimney?
Because it soots him


What do you get when you mix a Christmas tree and an iPad?
A pineapple!


What do you call a snowman that can walk?
Snow-mobile.


What do hip-hop artists do on Christmas?
Unwrap


What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling?
Mistletoad

 

General Christmas Jokes

  • What is the best Christmas present in the world?
    A broken drum, you just can’t beat it!
  • Who is Santa’s favorite singer?
    Elf-is Presley!
  • What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
    A Holly Davidson!.
  • What do snowmen wear on their heads?
    Ice caps!
  • What song do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow!
  • What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?
    It’s Christmas, Eve!
  • Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
    Because their days are numbered!
  • Cinderella was a poor football player- Do you know the reason?
    Answer: She used to run away from the ball.
  • Name the child’s favorite Christmas king?
    Answer: A stocking.
  • On Christmas morning the coy boy said what?
    Answer: Mooooey Christmas.
  • What Mary Popins wanted from Santa?
    Answer: Superclausfragilisticexpiallisnowshoes.
  • What do you all know about ig?
    Answer: An Eskimo house without Loo.
  • How yeti gets down from the hill top?
    Answer: By-icicle.
  • If the vampire crosses the road you will find what?
    Answer: Frost bite.
  • Why the Christmas tree can’t stand up?
    Answer: It doesn’t have legs.
  • What for the trumpet of Ken was kept in the freezer?
    Answer: Because he loves cool music.
  • Name the special part of your body during Christmas?
    Answer: mistletoe.
  • Differentiate between Christmas alphabet and ordinary alphabet?
    Answer: The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
  • What did the pack of Walkers say to the Skips?
    Answer: Merry Crispmass
  • You should be careful at Christmas – why?
    Answer: There are mince spies about!
  • Do you know the reason for which the duck had crossed the road?
    Answer: to quack open the ice.
  • Why is it cold in Christmas?
    Answer: Because it is December.
  • What is the popular carol in Desert?
    Answer: Camel ye Faithful.
  • What could be a perfect gift for the station master during Christmas?
    Answer: Platform Shoes.
  • The month of December has something which no other month has- what id that?
    Answer: The letter D.
  • What Cinderella sang when she saw her photograph was not ready?
    Answer: Someday my prints will come. . . .
  • What’s brown and sneaks round the kitchen?
    Answer: Mince spies.
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Christmas Dinner Jokes

  • Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake?
    Your teeth!
  • What did the eskimos sing when they got there Christmas dinner?
    “Whalemeat again, don’t know where, don’t know when “!
  • This Christmas turkey’s disgusting!
    Well, you asked for a foul roast!
  • Why did the kids start eating the puzzle on Christmas?
    Because their uncle said that it was a piece of cake!
  • What did the Christmas turkey say to the unhappy chicken? “What’s eating you?”
  • Why did the Christmas cake goto the police station? Because over the last few days it had been beaten, whipped, cut, sliced and rough handled.
  • What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
    Answer: Tarzipan!
  • Do I have permission to eat a dog this Christmas?
    Answer: Only Turkey like everyone else.
  • Eskimos sing what during their dinner?
    Answer: “Whale meat again, don’t know where, don’t know when”!
  • What did the big cracker say to the small cracker during the Christmas Eve dinner?
    Answer: My pop is bigger than yours!
  • Name someone who is never hungry during the whole Christmas?
    Answer: The turkey- it is stuffed.
  • What is the name of the bird which has wings but cannot ever fly?
    Answer: Roast Turkey.
  • What best you can put into the Christmas cake?
    Answer: Your teeth.
  • What if you eat Christmas decorations?
    Answer: You get tinsel-itus !
  • What vampires put on the stuffed turkey during the Christmas Eve dinner?
    Answer: Grave-y!
  • Have you ever heard about a stupid turkey?
    Answer: It was looking forward to Christmas!
  • Why the ocean’s full of currents this year?
    Answer: Because last year’s Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the ocean.
  • Is that policeman eating turkey?
    Answer: No, he’s eating truncheon meat.
  • How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
    Answer: Deep pan, crisp and even!
  • What ducks do right before the Christmas dinner?
    Answer: Pull their Christmas Quakers!

Christmas Eve Jokes

  • A mafioso’s son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, ‘Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new…’ He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, ‘Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new…’ He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away. He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother’s room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, ‘Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again…’
  • The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
  • Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, ‘How do these represent Christmas?’ Answer: ‘They’re Carol’s.’
  • What do you call Santa’s helpers?
    Subordinate Clauses.
  • What’s a good Christmas tip?
    Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
  • What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
    Answer: It’s Christmas, Eve!
  • What did the big angel say to the little angel on Christmas Eve?
    Answer: Halo there!
  • If Santa Claus is crossed with a detective then you would get what?
    Answer: Santa Clues!
  • A snowman loses weight in what way?
    Answer: He waits for the weather to get warmer!
  • What is the snowman’s breakfast?
    Answer: Frosted flakes!
  • What is said by one snowman to the other snowman?
    Answer: Can you smell carrot?
  • Where the snowman does dances on?
    Answer: A snow ball!
  • How do you know that Santa is a man?
    Answer: No woman wears the same attire every year.
  • What monkeys sing on Christmas Eve in concert?
    Answer: Jungle Bells, Jungle bells!
  • What a big candle says to a small candle on a Christmas Eve?
    Answer: I am going out for dinner tonight.
  • What snowmen wear on the Christmas Eve?
    Answer: Ice caps.
  • If someone claps on the Christmas Eve then he should be called as —
    Answer: Santapplause!
  • When Santa doesn’t move then what he should be called as?
    Answer: Santa Pause.
  • Do you know any bird that can write?
    Answer: Pen-guine.
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Reindeer and Elf Jokes

  • What is the favorite food of elves?
    Answer: “Elf”-aghetti!
  • How did elves climbed up to the top of Santa’s Castle?
    Answer: Using an “Elf”-evator.
  • Elves use what kind of money?
    Answer: Jingle bills!
  • What’s the first thing learnt by elves in school?
    Answer: The “elf”-abet!
  • What would you call the twelfth elf that comes to help other 11 elves in the workshop? Answer: The twelf
  • Who makes toys and rides around in a pumpkin and lives at the North Pole?
    Answer: Cinder-“elf”-a!
  • Santa rides in a sleigh. What do elves ride in?
    Answer: Mini vans!
  • What do you call an elf that tells silly jokes?
    Answer: A real Christmas card!
  • Where do you find elves?
    Answer: Depends where you left them!
  • What would you call an elf who just has won the lottery?
    Answer: Welfy
  • Why reindeer wears sunglass during Christmas party?
    Answer: Because he didn’t want to be recognized!
  • Where would a reindeer go to find her lost tail?
    Answer: “Re-tail” store.
  • Why reindeer is wet?
    Answer: “Rain”-deer.
  • Which reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
    Answer: Comet!
  • Who is very rude?
    Answer: “Rude”-olph
  • Who is very rude?
    Answer: “Rude”-olph
  • How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
    Answer: He looks at his calen-“deer”!
  • What is the profession of snowmen?
    Answer: Playing with angels.
  • What did the reindeer say when he saw an elf?
    Answer: Nothing, reindeer can’t talk.
  • Which elf was the best singer?
    Answer: ELFis Presley.
  • Elves make sandwiches with what type of bread?
    Answer: shortbread of course!
  • In Texas a wild elf is known as –
    Answer: Gnome on the range!
  • What for reindeer wears fur coat?
    Answer: Because they look ridiculous in polyester
  • What for reindeer wears fur coat?
    Answer: Because they look ridiculous in polyester
  • How long should an elf’s legs be?
    Answer: Just long enough to reach the ground!
  • What do elves sing to Santa?
    Answer: Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!
  • Why the turkey was asked to join the band by elves?
    Answer: Because he had the drum sticks!

Christmas Party Jokes

  • A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
    After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.””She did,” he replied. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”
  • A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmmm…. That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.”The boy quickly replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”
  • It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What are you charged with?” “Doing my Christmas shopping early”, replied the defendant.”That’s no offense”, said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?””Before the store opened.”
  • What’s a snowman’s favorite Mexican food?
    Brrrrrr-itos!
  • How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party?
    Chick to chick!
  • What song the guests generally sing at Eskimo’s Christmas party?
    Answer: Freeze a jolly good fellow.
  • What you can call a polar bear which wears ear muffs?
    Answer: Anything you want. He can’t hear you!
  • What a chicken is called at the North Pole?
    Answer: Lost.
  • What type of pine has the sharpest needles?
    Answer: A porcupine.
  • Whose Christmas parties are full of screams?
    Answer: Dracula’s.
  • What food should you offer to the Santa as he can lose weight a bit?
    Answer: Instead of milk and cookies, give him salad.
  • How can you keep Santa busy in the Christmas party?
    Answer: Ask him to take care of your plants.
  • How can you make Santa run during the Christmas party?
    Answer: Get an angry bull that fears of red color.
  • Apart from ornaments what you can use to decorate the Christmas tree?
    Answer: Waster eggs.
  • Santa likes which game during the Christmas party?
    Answer: Hide and seek.
  • What is the best key to get at Christmas?
    Answer: A turkey!
  • What kind of Christmas tree comes from Hawaii?
    Answer: “O Tanning Palms”!
  • What could be the alternative outfit for the Santa at christmas?
    Answer: Jeans and a t-shirt.
  • Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
    Answer: Because he had low elf esteem.
  • When everyone observes Santa during the party, then what mood is usually noticed?
    Answer: Santamental.
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Christmas Greetings Jokes

  • How do snowmen greet each other?
    Answer: Ice to meet you!
  • How do sheep in Mexico greet Merry Christmas?
    Answer: Fleece Navidad!
  • What kind of music does elves like best when he has to greet?
    Answer: “Wrap” music!
  • How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
    Answer: A merry Christmas to ewe.
  • How do you greet an idiot on Boxing Day?
    Answer: Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve!
  • What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?
    Answer: Black mail!
  • Why Santa likes to be greeted with a bear on Christmas Eve?
    Answer: Because he’s Sooty!
  • How to cats greet each other at Christmas?
    Answer: “A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year!”
  • How do elves greet each other?
    Answer: “Small world, isn’t it?”

Snowmen, Snowball, Snow Jokes

  • Which cereal do healthy snowmen have for breakfast?
    Frosties!
  • What do hungry snowmen put on their ice-burgers?
    Chilly sauce!
  • What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
    The ones with thick icing!
  • What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
    A snowmobile.
  • What do you call an old snowman?
    Water!
  • What do you call a snowman in the summer?
    A puddle.
  • What is in lunch on Christmas Day for snowmen?
    Answer: Icebergers!
  • How do snowmen travel around?
    Answer: By icicle!
  • How one snowman greets the other one?
    Answer: Ice to meet you.
  • What is the popular name of the snowman in summers?
    Answer: A puddle.
  • What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
    Answer: Brrrr- itos.
  • Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman?
    Answer: You have to hollow out its head first.
  • What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
    Answer: Cold cash!
  • How do you get to know if the snowman is in your bed?
    Answer: You wake up wet!
  • What snowman likes to eat on Christmas Eve?
    Answer: Turkey with snow topping.
  • Where does a snowman keep his money?
    Answer: In a snow bank.
  • How would you scare a snowman?
    Answer: Get a hairdryer!
  • Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
    Answer: Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
  • What was the consequence after the showgirl fell out with the snow boy?
    Answer: She gave him the cold shoulder!
  • What’s white, furry and smells minty?
    Answer: A polo bear!
  • What was the special item that was ordered by the snowman at MacDonald’s?
    Answer: Icerbergers with chili sauce!